Grrl with kaleidoscope eyes

i hate the fact that everything in my life seems so uncertain. i wish i knew right now if i will be going back to school and where i will be living. fml.

i feel as though everything happens for a reason, but i'm lost on this one right now.

two junes, two crashes. not up for a third round.

Lullaby to nightmares, whispered low
In the night where batwings flow
That's where all the frightmares go
When the elephants die
Wouldn't you like to try?


I've been having bizarre dreams again recently, which I attribute to stress. Today's, tho, was really strange. As is the fact that I can remember vivid details about it.

I dreamed that I was in some sort of a store, and there was a guy who was trying to kidnap/assault/maybe kill/do something unpleasant to me. He was able to attack me once, but somehow we wound up back in the same store, and him trying to kidnap me again by wielding a boxcutter. He grabbed me, but I was able to get away. I managed to get the boxcutter away from him. Then I stabbed him with it in the chest, throat, and crotch. I stood over his body in a bit of disbelief over what I had just done.

And then I woke up.

I've had dreams before where someone was trying to harm me, but they usually don't catch me. I usually wake up during the chase.

I've never had a dream where I killed my attacker.

I don't know if I should take this as a positive or a negative progression. Good that I defended myself? Bad that I killed someone?

On an unrelated note, despite my wrist being sore, I took the violin and viola out tonight, tuned and played them. Realized they probably hadn't been out of their cases in almost a year, which is criminal. Happily, I haven't forgotten how to read alto clef.

Almost 3am and I'm realizing that maybe I'm starting to feel hungry because all I've eaten today were 3 bbq beef spare ribs for lunch. FML. *sigh*

all i hope is that the rollercoaster that is my life doesn't decide to suddenly, magically, de-rail itself.

much to say.  too tired.

sometimes i wish there was someone here to just hold me when the world gets a little too crazy.  some day.

http://eventful.com/events/E0-001-009678380-4

I had a woman today asking if we had "the OJ book", which we did, which I assured her was the only OJ murder confession book in print (she was wondering about the Goldmans' name on the cover). She then wanted to know if we shipped books to a specific juvenile detention center in our state. I informed her that we did ship to prisons, so I would imagine that a juvenile detention center would be the same, but that the center would have the right to refuse the item if they deemed it would not be appropriate. (I told her that the rules on appropriate content vary from institution to institution.)

I wanted to say: "You want to send a book about a supposed murder confession to a kid in a locked-down juvenile detention facility?!"

ahh, so many things to update on, tops being the working-again computer :)

but, i don't have time to before i head to work, instead, here's my current music-video obsession. This is my Pic of the Week, even though its a video. pshaw.

:)



The artist's name is Johnny Dangerous, and he's currently on the HomoRevolution Tour. Cross your fingers, the HomoRevolution Tour is hoping to come to True Colors XV this March!

(stolen from another's blog)

Life's Little Instructions

Respect Yourself.
Treat others with Respect no matter how they treat you.
Strive for excellence not perfection.
Learn 3 clean jokes.
Compliment 3 people every day.
Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them.
Leave everything better than you found it.
Keep it simple.
Think big thoughts, relish small pleasures.
Become the most positive person you know
Be forgiving of yourself and others.
Say "please" a lot.
Say "thank you" a lot more.
Remember other people's birthdays.
Commit yourself to constant improvement.
Have a firm handshake.
Look people in the eye.
Be the first to say "hello".
Return all things you borrow.
Keep secrets.
Sing.
Stop blaming others; take responsibility for every area of your life.
Be there when people need you.
Don't expect life to be fair.
Don't be afraid to say I made a mistake.
Don't be afraid to say I don't know.
Keep your promises no matter what.
Nurture friendships.
Study hard.
Be nice to your parents.

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you:

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good.

I just want friday to come and be over with
I just want to do well on my performance exam
I just want a new job
I just want a new place to live
I just want my diploma
I just want to be challenged
I just want people to stop asking me what i'm going to do with my life
I just want to figure out my purpose
I just want my insecurities to go away
I just want the world to move quickly enough for me
I just want to hide sometimes
I just want a sonic restaurant to open up nearby
I just want a little animal of my own to love
I just want to make a difference
I just want to look pretty sometimes. Cute would be ok, too
I just want a day off
I just want to smell the roses. and not have them cause me to sneeze
I just want to get rid of my allergies
I just want to keep the bad dreams at bay
I just want people to move faster or get out of my way
I just want the courage to say what i think and feel
I just want to not feel overwhelmed
I just want all my transcript problems to get fixed after the first dozen times i've addressed them
I just want the ipod to stop picking depressing songs when i put it on shuffle mode
I just want to be well-rested
I just want to not fuck things up





I just want a hug





"I just want to be loved, is that so wrong?"
~Jon Lovitz

Today is turning into productive-day.

To be acoomplished in the near future:

-Practice with Selena for my final exam on Friday
-Check financial aid status, which will require a trip to the financial aid office
-Change options on cell phone
-Call CVS and get prescription renewed
-Go to career services and get help with my resume, and get tips on writing a cover letter
(appointment for Wed at 10am)
-Make a hair appointment. Must remember not to have bright red (which turn pink) highlights done, as this may not look professional on an interview
(done)
-Make a list of any dr appointments I need to make
-Actually make said dr appointments
-Eat lunch
-Eat dinner
-Do more sorting/getting rid of old clothes
-Donate old clothes to Goodwill

i feel the need to write, but i'm too tired to put thoughts and emotions into pixels or ink.

all in all, i'm doing pretty well though, i think. i think i'm content. maybe even happy. i just wish i could think and feel more rationally when i'm tired.

i feel as though i have a 1000 and 1 things to do, but i need to sleep 1st.

Another year on this swiftly titling planet has come and gone. I was asked if I felt any older. I don't think I feel older per se, but I feel...calmer. More at peace with life in general. I think this is because I feel more certain of myself. I'm thinking...hoping...that i've branched out of the survivor-mode i've felt myself stuck in. i am embracing the changes that are about to come in my life. new living space and hopefully new things on the work horizon. and with any luck, graduation within the year. where before i'd be kicking and screaming towards so much upheaval all at once, i welcome it now. i look forward to it. i need to get out of the comfortable rut i allowed myself to get into. it was where i needed to be while i let my physical and emotional wounds heal, but the time has come.

you motivate me, and you're probably not even aware of it, but i thank you for it

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

:(

my stomach decided that it wanted to be empty tonight. immediately. at least it waited until after the concert and after i was home. off to search for ginger ale.

i freaking hate being nauseous.


this is nowhere near being finished. i'm not exactly sur ewhat inspired it either.


Feed the demons of fear and self-doubt
as they dance around your ego and self esteem
Their skin shimmering with every ill thought
evey self-defeting notion
your irregular hearbeat becomes
the drumbeat for their dance
Ever increasing, they circle your innermost thoughts
like a scherzo, driving closer and quicker
until they envelope your dreams
in deafening darkness
sinking lower and lower
until no one can hear your screams

So, I've downloaded and formatted a few of the pictures I took while in Virginia Beach. The collection so far can be seen here




Virginia Beach in the morning, taken from the hotel balcony



Kat and the Livestrong dolphin at Virigina Aquarium



Buried on the beach

today i woke up in a room next to the beach with 2 friends. tomorrow i'll wake up to good ol reality. it was a nice and needed vacation. i'm drained right now, but at some point i'll say more. maybe even get some pictures up if the camera cooperates.

The weather down here is beautiful!! It must have been in the 60s today...nice enough to wander about in tshirts!

I am oddly fairly awake at the moment, so I have taken the opportunity to hijack drew's computer and do some emailing and job hunting. I really should write a generic cover letter, but i'm not feeling that motivated. yes, even when i go on vacation, i do productive things. :-p

today was spent bumming around the viriginia aquarium. cool place, has an imax theater, a really nice nature trail connecting two of the buildings, and lots of fun exhibits including a hands-on 'pet the stingray' tank. (they feel slimy btw) between trips to the aquarium, we hit up the board walk. then back for 'into the deep' in 3d on the imax screen. dinner was excellent and inexpensive irish food. nighttime consisted of shopping, and drew and i going into this haunted house thing that was actually scarier than i was anticipating. (not to mention smaller and pitch-black/no visibility in parts).

all in all, a good day :)